A while ago, and I mean a while ago, I was struggling with my feelings and I often found myself in dark places for no apparent reason.

Thankfully today I have not visited these voids for a long time but it has taken, and continues to take, time effort and help.

Close friends will know about the sad loss my family and I have been dealt with just recently and I do not want to go over that right now.

However, the stresses and emotions have taken their toll which is needless to say but I just felt I needed to.

My struggle with depression and subsequent management have armed me with some very important and strong tools. It is for this reason why I am writing down my story. One of the key tools that I was advised to use was to write down my inner thoughts and then throw them out to the ether. Its a brilliant method as it frees up the mind of all the repeated and unhelpful images and feelings that one goes over and over in an endless loop. Write them down and suddenly the loop is broken and the mind can move on gradually.

Oh and medication can help.

So this is exactly what I am doing. I was meant to go back to work today but, without any forewarning or previous noticeable problems, I was overwhelmed with an intense fear and emotional cloud. I don’t mean it has put me in a dark hole but it certainly has caught me off balance and made me want to shut myself away from all outside sources and people.

So……What to do? Tea was my first idea and to contact my bosses and work colleague to update them on my health. Next was to try and organise my thoughts into some sense of order and priority so as to see the wood from the trees.

I feel a huge amount of guilt when taking time off work which are not allotted days off or annual leave especially when I have no physical symptoms but stress at work is no good for anyone including upsetting the people who would have to suffer outbursts or mistakes due to a lack of concentration. Now that I have written this down the guilt has diminished as it is blatantly justifyable. So you see this does work.

Life is rarely easy at the best of times but we all need time to reflect and declutter.

After writing I shall read again what I have typed and then will take the time to sit quietly and repair. Meditation of a kind without the stress positions of Yoga.

Time is not a healer but it can give one space to adjust and carry on. Just like a wound. Yes it may heal over and stop bleeding but the scar will always remain, however faded it becomes. The important thing is that it is not a raw pain and weeping everywhere so normal service can resume.

Am I soft or just a person doing his best? I do not know the answer to that and I can in no way judge. Do I feel a little less uptight? Yes.

Thanks.