Another year has passed and we find ourselves at Christmas Eve once again. For some it will be a time to relax and find some peace.

Sadly though the majority will be stressed, bewildered about what gifts to purchase and be burdened by obligation.

Why, why, why?

It should be the most peaceful and loving time of the year but so much effort and work is placed up “one” day. If we all stopped and realised that the festive period lasts twelve days then life would take on a new meaning.

There is little to be gained apart from sadness and strife if one gets into debt just to impress to buy the unaffordable present. Better to forgo that and buy nothing or make your own.

I think we all should stop, take a breath and reflect on our lives and those around us. Where support is needed then help those you can. Sometimes a kind word or helping hand is far more productive than the diamond ring or state of the art vacuum cleaner.

Spare a thought for all those who don’t even have a home, who have lost loved ones, have to work or will be forced to spend the next few weeks alone. Disasters around the world will also leave many communities stricken with problems that are inconceivable to most and whilst we can’t all help it doesn’t stop us from sending prayers of good will.

I love the Season and find being alone quite liberating. So many invites to join friends is touching but sometimes self indulgence is just the ticket for relaxing and rebooting. I definitely don’t feel sad or lonely I can assure you and I am so lucky to have somewhere warm and comfortable to spend my days off. Oh yes the fridge is full and there is an abundance or tea in the caddy. What more does one need?

Okay, its important to include friends and family but not at the expense of personal health. No one would wish that.

So……..Stop, look and listen. Gather your emotions and seek peace and happiness.

This is my message to everyone I know and who I don’t know but read my words.

Happy Christmas and may 2018 be an enlightenment.

The future? The present? History?

We have all heard this before. What has happened has happened, what is happening is happening and what is going to happen hasn’t happened yet and none of these things can be changed. Yes we can influence what we will do by altering what we do in the present but that could be construed as being kismet or destiny anyway. Didn’t Newton say in his third law “that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.?

Our lives can take on some very strange courses over the years. Some hurt us, others make us stronger, some can cause laughter and sadness and some can transform us completely. However, every twist and turn should make us wiser and fuller as a person.

Should we feel regret? No I do not think so as every second of every hour our actions will influence the balance of life. If something was changed to a perceived better then either another’s circumstances could change for the worse or a terrible conflict could occur.

Recent actions have left me sad and somewhat guilty but I feel these are just the inevitable pitfalls of life and I hope the decisions I have made today will bear happy and comforting fruit in the future. Have I done something terrible? For some they may say yes but I say no. I have acted as honestly and compassionately as I can.

The future will give insight as to whether I chose the right or wrong path but as I said before there is no right or wrong way its just the way. There always seems to be a path through even the most difficult and painful routes our choices take us on.

For anyone I have hurt or upset in recent times I am sincerely sorry but I cannot live my story for another’s fulfillment. If destiny is truly already mapped out for us then this is what was intended and no single person can change that.

I know this all sounds a bit cryptic and nonsensical but I just felt like writing down my thoughts. Those who know will understand and those who don’t will not. I do hope though that my words make some sense to everyone as it is not the characters of the story that matter but the moral content.

We all have a right to happiness but often cannot or do not find it so when it does show up is it wrong to chase after it? Your choice but remember that third law of Newton’s.

Now I am not interested in chasing the big dollar or champagne lifestyle but equally it would be fun to not have to worry about how to pay for the next bill or what happens if….

Like many an income of £15k-£30k a year seems to be about the lot and yes with more responsibility one should receive a reflective income. That all sounds well and good. Fair? Yes; and just.

So where do these growing numbers of our society think that being paid £500k a year or more is morally right and honourable? A vast amount waste their incomes on expensive tat and useless things that quite frankly would be better off unsold. Some may give to charity but a large percentage of that is syphonned off by the overpaid bosses who run them.

Surely it would be far better to lower their salaries and free up resources so the plebs could see a fairer remuneration? I find it downright disgusting to think that over my whole working life the massed funds that I receive will not even amount to a days pay for some. Bill Gates for example receives and estimated £7 million a day in interest and returns on his vast fortune. Yes a day!! For most of us a mornings work at this level would be sufficient to retire on let alone a year.

Is he worth that? Who knows but someone must do.

University bosses being paid half a million a year which equates to more than ten times what the teachers and tutors receive is an utter insult and no wonder tuition fees are so high.

But my guess is that these high-profile jobs and positions of power come with a hefty price-tag where lives are forfeit due to being on call twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Most of us are lucky enough to get up, trawl off to work, play at a job and then return home after eight or nine hours. The humdrum can normally be put aside for some sort of home-life.

Still it does irk to imagine those who are in the right place at the right time can justify their greed.

However, I am not jealous and I can be happy in the knowledge that I earn every penny of my wage and can sleep an honest and easy-conscience eight hour night.

It’s that time of  year again and for most Christmas is rush, rush, rush and stress and trying to search for the perfect ellusive day. For what ?

I read today about the struggles billionaires and the top earners have when trying to find the perfect gifts and foods for their friends. If its that much trouble and they end up paying out for extravagant  and classless tat then why not give the millions of needy a helping hand. After all some don’t have a home to live in or the money to feed themselves properly let alone lay out for gifts or special food.

It does sicken me to witness the trollies being crammed full of so much food and treats at this time of the year only to see the bins full with half of their purchases in a few days time as they bought way too much. Why, just to impress a few guests or panicking because the shops will be closed for a few hours?

I do not mean I want to be a complete humbug but why not put some commonsense thought into planning for Christmas? A roast lunch is fine, as is pudding. Having a buffet dinner and some festive tipples are quite normal and acceptable but does the table have to have a week’s worth of fayre pilled onto it because lets face it a huge amount will be left to spoil and be chucked as everyone becomes bloated and uncomfortable. Oh and maybe that table won’t collapse and can be used again for future events.

And whilst I am having an insight into The Noel scene can’t people stop running up so much debt just in order little Jonny has the up-to-date toys or a wife gets the diamond bracelet? Many things will get put away never to be seen again, floated on E-Bay, returned or given to someone else as a future gift.

If the money is not there then work within your budget. Sit the kids down and chat through the situation and discuss the issues with partners and friends as most will prefer a happy life of fun and honesty rather than stress, debt, deceit and unhappiness.

Yes it is cool to receive but when the cost of that pleasure is outweighed by the emotion then one  has to ask the question was it worth it? It is also wonderful to see a smile and joy when giving but again that utter sense of “what the hell am I going to do now the credit card bill has come?” has to be such an idiotic way to impress and spread elation.

As many of you will know I am a postman and see first hand the amount of food waste, and rubbish that is chucked out which could have fed most of the community a second or third time over.

Pressure from shops and everywhere to buy and spend money has got to a record high and these very places are the first to bleat when the economy dips and their profits decline. The banks and credit companies don’t care as they will just increase charges and interest rates to cover their losses. The shops don’t care as they do not think about tomorrow. Your friends don’t care as once the party has ended and gifts are unwrapped and forgotton about then their lives will go back to their normal routines without a thought for anyone else.

So my recommendation for a happy Yule Tide is stop and think about your actions. Only buy what you need and maybe a tiny bit extra. Leave the credit card at home and withdraw cash that can be budgeted for and once it has gone spend no more. Make people and friends aware of your situation if things have changed. If you feel stressed to the point of breaking then you are following the wrong path so change that course. But most of all laugh, relax and take time to reflect and share time with others.

There its not so bad is it??

Maybe now “waste, needs and greed” will balance out to an even keel and everyone can have a bit of joy and happiness all year round and not just for a few hours each year.

Life is all about choices, paths and experience. From the day that we are born life shapes our very being and no matter what we do experiences cannot be changed so the past has to stand, the present endured and the future; well that’s to be seen.

I have often thought over the years that other homes, lives, communities and choices have been better or wiser or more fulfilling than mine. In some cases that may be very true but maybe, just maybe, some are envious of my life and chances. I guess it is all about perspective and attitude.

I have seldom felt so relaxed and happy in life as I do today and  do I feel envy? No. That’s not to say that a modest lottery win would not go unwelcome or I could suddenly reshape my body into what it was like a few decades ago but on the whole I have found some sort of contentment. How? Through self examination, the willingness to be honest and the will to try and amend areas of attention without damage to my surroundings.

Its taken a long time to realise that one man’s lot is not all it can appear to be or a woman’s lot come to that. Yeah one may have the BMW, the big house, the trophy partner, cute kids and nice clothes but how  much of it is on credit or borrowed? How much does it cost to keep the partner happy or the kids at school? How much is an allusion? “The duck may look graceful and calm but the legs show a different story”.

I bet if every home, office and life had a fly on the wall camera recording all the time then we would see what little there is to feel jealous over.

The show home is sterile and false. It holds no character or tales of lives gone passed. But take that same home and put a life in it and revisit two years later and it will paint a different image. What? Who knows but I can assure you it will have changed and matured if only a little.

I don’t think I would change anything from my past as it has shaped who I am today and I have certainly made impressions of many who have tagged along with me on the way. If it was the path of finding comfort then I would walk it again willingly.

The man on the street may look poor and down-trodden but if one stopped and took the time to hear his story it would probably  fill a book or very personal tales and tragic moments. Whereas the high-flying businessman is often living a lie of false smiles, broken promises, misguided morals with shallowness and contempt all in the hunt for the dollar and greed.

That person my friends is not my bag or dream. That I can tell you with the uppermost certainty.

So when I see other lives, communities and homes I do not see green but give thanks to what I have and hopefully will enjoy in the future.

Don’t Get Green with envy look inwards to find the path to a new future.

I know I spoke about this topic the other day but “clutter” is a problem; a massive problem.

Its okay if you live in a big house as things can be hidden away or stored in spare rooms but this only defers a bigger problem for the future.

My demands to live in a minimalist home are driving me mad. It is sucking all the will out of me to the point that I cannot even start the process of making my home tidier and clutter-free.

Its not the cleaning or tidying that is causing so much grief its the stuff.

I can’t chuck out the things that seem important like CDs, books, mugs, ornaments and electronic goods as they are part of my life and I might want to use them in the future and it is nice to have some of them around, right? Some have a monetary value attached to them too.

I stream music through my Amazon Alexa Speakers so do I need to keep my stereo and CDs? After all Alexa also plays the radio, tells the time and has replaced so much. The loft is too small for the storage of much.

Mugs; I do tend to use many of them over a few days and thats the drawback from having a dishwasher.

So there we have it in a nutshell. Too much stuff, an excuse for keeping it and not enough room to store and live with it. Oil and water spring to mind.

Some drastic and heart wrenching decisions are going to have to be faced. Things have to go and my home returned. My only saving grace is that there are only three rooms to sort so you’d think it an easy ask. Its worse as there is very little space to divide things up into.

My thoughts lean towards making a grid plan of each room and divide the space into small squares then systematically work round the grid one square at a time. Clear, keep, clean and tidy. Then hope to the next place but not before the previous square is finished and no jumping randomly round the room. If an item would be better placed elsewhere then put a label on it and move it to that place when ready. Now that sounds so simple and easy. Why didn’t I think of this before? One square, one day at a time.

I guess there is the waste of money mindset that will have to be adjusted too. The money has been spent already so whether one keeps things or disposes of them is irrelevant. Why eat the whole meal if you are full or finish the last pint just because of greed? It can’t be sent back for a refund so whether it sits it your stomach, on the plate or in the slops bin it won’t change the bank balance but it may help the waistline and hangover.

Its so simple to clear out someone else’s  home but when it comes to your own it is a completely new ball-game. Its depressing and dull, heartbreaking and cruel and energy sapping and time-consuming. This time last year there was no way I could have even contemplated this concept but today and with the New Year rapidly approaching I feel the time has come to put a plan into action and make a radical clean sweep.

A future blog may just contain details of my home’s makeover. Wish me luck till then.

I think the 2018 charity shops are going to have a pleasant windfall very soon so someone will benefit from my actions and I am certain my long-term mental health and comfort will reap the benefits.

Where is Utopia? Does a place truly exist? Can we make it happen? Or is it just made up imaginings?

Many would say that Utopia is the ultimate happiness but can one really exist in a place like that? I mean if every day was bliss then that would become the normality and so a higher entity would be sought to move away from the hum-drum. It would be like trying to find the edge of space or the end of an infinitely long piece or string.

Summer is only good and special as the bad, cold, wet and windy days make the fine ones stand out. Perspective is everything.

Happiness then and Utopia are a fleeting, say bus stop, along a busy highway. The other day I was looking at silly You-Tube videos. At first there was mild amusement but after shots of men and women being filmed doing odd things it became funny. It wasn’t until a simple clip of men carrying women over an assault course with muddy water dips and trip zones that our laughter became one of uncontrollable hysterics. I mean I couldn’t breath; each gasp for air was followed by gut wrenching cries and we were blinded by tears and convulsions to the point that one of us had to leave the table. That was a few moments of true happiness and all worries and black thoughts were cast aside as no other emotions could enter that zone. It is so rarely visited nowadays (and more than likely the case in all the days gone by) and one should abandon sensibility and give it a go occasionally.

That was special but I certainly couldn’t manage on that plane for good. Its exhausting and painful. Exciting and liberating it is but too much to handle for long.

So Utopia needs to be a place where one can experience emotions of all kinds but where gay abandon and total relaxed happiness can also exist on occasions.

Surely, that is what we have if we release ourselves from depression, hurt, abuse and all those negative vibes that cause such disaster? We need all these feelings that are so dark and damaging to allow us to appreciate the good, kind and rich tapestries that cam enrich our lives but not to the point that they take over and leave no room for anything else.

Searching for happiness rarely gains the prizes but its the adventures and roles we play that ensures it can be dealt and received.

This is not about me and in no way do I want to focus on me, me, me but it is only from my experiences and thoughts that I can draw such honest facts to write down my opinions.

I have suffered a life-long struggle with depression and mental health problems. Not to the crippling state  that some get into and never to the point where I had to be removed from society (but maybe a few friends would debate society’s wisdom at times) and not to the very edge that I took my own life. I am writing this so it must be fact.

I hated my life at many stages and have hurt and humiliated many people on the way for which I can only apologise and regret. There have been some marvelous times too and I have met scores of great friends and have experienced dozens of breath taking places and it is these that I thank profusely.

It wasn’t until very recently that things have begun to gradually open up to me so as to show a path I have seldom walked along. Like the hidden path or island that is only visible and very low tides

Making an appointment with my GP and taking advantage of his knowledge, access to treatments and the ability to self help has reshaped me to the point where the anxieties and horrors of the “black” have almost vanished in bright pools of light. We as humans have a great resilience and abilities to remedy anything we want within reason.

A more recent event has focused my mind on how short and insignificant our lives can be and it is so wasteful to wallow and flounder in states of stress, and unhappiness. It has allowed me to “spring clean” my life and prioritise what is important both for me and all those around me.

Okay for many they may not see much change but for some I think they may be surprised. I am the same man I have always been but have pushed some of the negative into a different perspective.

It was only yesterday that I was discussing the fact that so many (and I am just as guilty) are saying what a terrible country we live in. But hang on a minute. Compared to what? We have freedom of speech, health treatment, roads, food, shelter, employment and relative stability for the majority of society here in the UK. Compare that to despot run Countries around the world and so many of the “Third World” ecomonies and is life that bad? No. I would say its kind of good. You may have a mundane and thankless job but its work and those around you are in the same predicament. There may be some who appear to be so wealthy in cash and property but lack the time to enjoy it and have false friends and happiness.

Its all about one’s personal interpretation and outlook on their being.

Does Utopia exits? At times it can and we all have the ability to create it  and live it but don’t reach for it all the time as you may be left disappointed.

I think we all have some creative instinct within but it can take years before we can recognise or utilise these hidden talents.

I was chatting to an old friend yesterday (Yes Paddy you) and told me of an arm problem which is hindering his guitar playing. Being an artist as he is one would think it would be the end of the world for him but he has refocused his skill into having a go at making a “no budget” film. Brilliant, I thought.

That brilliant turned into mild worry as the next thought he had was to suggest me as his script writer. “What the fuck do I know about writing or script layouts” I thought. It must be a joke but after further chatting and discussion I possibly thought I could give it a shot. It would certainly stretch my imagination and be one of my greatest challenges to date.

How hard can it be? Well for starters there is the tough choice of picking a scenario. Real life experience, fiction or a mix of the two? What has been done before? I wouldn’t want to add plagiarism to my life’s CV.

It also has to be simple, believable, accessible and cheap.

Mmmmmm me thinks.

For some of my old school chums and online friends this will appear as an easy ask but for the likes of me it is a huge void of unknown territory but one that I will attempt to enter with positivity and humour.

As the saying goes “nothing ventured, nothing gained” and it is quite apt for this next saga in my life’s experiences.

So off I trot to put mind to keyboard.

Bye……

I read a report today in the newspaper that the UK is one of the most obese countries in Europe and quite high on the world table too which is an embarressment quite frankly.

This does not really surprise me and being a man with extra pounds and bumps its easy to find reasoning to back this up.

Its all to do with our changing values, ever changing culture and community structure.

The weather here plays a big part in its influence on how we react to it. For example. Our cafes and bars rarely have room for outside sitting and table service and very few areas offer communal gathering spots to socialise and keep an eye on the needy. This is mainly to do with the image that its too wet and cold to sit out. We do have things like jumpers you know. Or turn down your heating at home and work and acclimatise to healthier conditions.

Where there are parks and places of recreation they are so often overcrowded, poorly maintained or taken over by thugs. Its little wonder folk keep their kids away and shut themselves in their tiny little boxes where the computer and gaming machines rule and keep the family quiet.

Any trip to the supermarket will see fresh fruit and vegetables with a much higher price tag than the fast food convenience and ready made meals. Oh and the younger generation are way to unprepared and ignorant to prepare themselves a meal. Takeaways and pre-packed foods are their staple with fizzy drinks to accompany. Why don’t schools and parents offer more education and hands on teaching to ensure a better self-sufficient future?

Gym memberships are extortionately expensive and swimming pools are so often inaccessible due to the demands of schools hogging the daytime slots. If its that important surely there should be public baths and a separate school one. But why are we forced into these artificial grind shops? Well its probably due to the fact that jogging, cycling, walking and swimming are so limited in places to go or are downright bloody dangerous. Take the average country or town road. Cars have become bigger, faster and more abundant but the roads have not adapted to accommodate this. So cyclists and other road users have been branded a menace and have been the victim and cause of death and injury. Wider or separate lanes should have been put in place but no the councils waste their money of idiotic signage and stupid planning.

Add all this to the fact that so many of us work miles away from where we actually live and treat our homes as glorified dormitories its is hardly surprising that so few know their immediate neighbours let alone their community so once again these sad folk (who are only interested in chasing the Dollar) go from sitting in their cars, often in gridlock states, to being stuck behind a desk and eating snacks from a machine. Then the process is repeated and they come home to a meal but also a bottle of wine to numb the pain of their existence.  Then the weekend is spent shopping, eating out and more driving. The very few will spend an hour or so going for a walk and think that is more than enough to make up for their lack of exercise throughout the week. The more unfit they become the harder it is to get out.

When I have visited parts of Europe more emphasis is put on social interaction, family gatherings and relaxing in cafes and bars without the binge, excess attitude we find here. Roads are divided away from paths and cycle ways, towns are freed from too much overcrowding and access to the countryside is easy. It also appears that the work/leisure balance is far better and healthier than here in the UK

Foods are healthier and homes bigger.

The UK must change its approach or run the risk of widespread ill-health due to weight gain.

A while ago, and I mean a while ago, I was struggling with my feelings and I often found myself in dark places for no apparent reason.

Thankfully today I have not visited these voids for a long time but it has taken, and continues to take, time effort and help.

Close friends will know about the sad loss my family and I have been dealt with just recently and I do not want to go over that right now.

However, the stresses and emotions have taken their toll which is needless to say but I just felt I needed to.

My struggle with depression and subsequent management have armed me with some very important and strong tools. It is for this reason why I am writing down my story. One of the key tools that I was advised to use was to write down my inner thoughts and then throw them out to the ether. Its a brilliant method as it frees up the mind of all the repeated and unhelpful images and feelings that one goes over and over in an endless loop. Write them down and suddenly the loop is broken and the mind can move on gradually.

Oh and medication can help.

So this is exactly what I am doing. I was meant to go back to work today but, without any forewarning or previous noticeable problems, I was overwhelmed with an intense fear and emotional cloud. I don’t mean it has put me in a dark hole but it certainly has caught me off balance and made me want to shut myself away from all outside sources and people.

So……What to do? Tea was my first idea and to contact my bosses and work colleague to update them on my health. Next was to try and organise my thoughts into some sense of order and priority so as to see the wood from the trees.

I feel a huge amount of guilt when taking time off work which are not allotted days off or annual leave especially when I have no physical symptoms but stress at work is no good for anyone including upsetting the people who would have to suffer outbursts or mistakes due to a lack of concentration. Now that I have written this down the guilt has diminished as it is blatantly justifyable. So you see this does work.

Life is rarely easy at the best of times but we all need time to reflect and declutter.

After writing I shall read again what I have typed and then will take the time to sit quietly and repair. Meditation of a kind without the stress positions of Yoga.

Time is not a healer but it can give one space to adjust and carry on. Just like a wound. Yes it may heal over and stop bleeding but the scar will always remain, however faded it becomes. The important thing is that it is not a raw pain and weeping everywhere so normal service can resume.

Am I soft or just a person doing his best? I do not know the answer to that and I can in no way judge. Do I feel a little less uptight? Yes.

Thanks.